Astro News
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RE: "Please Consider The Environment Before Printing This Email"
Memorandum
TO: All You Evil People Out There
FROM: Bob
You know who you are. You’re the people who have an auto-sig on your email that says:
please consider the
environment before printing this e-mail.
FYI, I hate you.
Your auto-sig suggests that I’m constantly printing emails, but your magic reminder will dissuade me from killing trees even as my mouse cursor hovers over the Print button. Let’s face it, I print out one email for maybe every ten thousand I receive. I’ve read about these people who print out every email to read “offline”. These people also use fax machines. Like most people under the age of 100, I am not one of those people.
Just to spite you, I’d like to print out every email you stupid people send me, but…
2
Storm Trooper Parade
200 storm troopers from the 501st Legion (”Vader’s Fist”) marched in this year’s Rose Bowl. The Grand Marshal was George Lucas.
I also read that a bunch of storm troopers fainted in the heat, from all that their plastic armor and black leggings in the heat. Clearly, Vader needs to “accept some apologies” to enforce discipline.
Also marching were the dancers from Jabba’s palace.
So awesome.
2
Are you sending a care package to the troops this holiday season?
I’m not sending a care package to the troops, because I’m incapable of using the post office in this Internet age. However, I just looked it up, and you can easily donate money at many sites with just a few clicks. Go Internet!
I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!
2
How do you support your friends who are in the military?
I’m 33 and I live in NYC, so none of my friends are in the military… But my younger sister is in the Navy, stationed in Italy! I’m a bad brother, though, since we haven’t talked in a while..
I wish all the best to our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan!
I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!
2
If you had a magic key, what would it open?
This featured question seems to have three possible answers:
- a chest containing a lot of money
- your heart
- ok, maybe there are only two answers
Since it’s a magic key, it would seem like the key could open both your heart and a chest containing a lot of money. However, getting both things makes this question uninteresting… So I will just come out and say that I want money and, to the extent the magic key has control over this, I would prefer unmarked bills to gold coins.
I could also cop-out and say that I will use the money to win your heart, but let’s be realistic here, folks. If your heart can really be opened by anybody that moseys on by with a magic key, why would…
2
Steve Martin is a Wild and Crazy Guy
I just read this article by Steve Martin about his career as a comedian that made me realize that how original his comedy was.
What if I created tension and never released it? What if I headed for a
climax, but all I delivered was an anticlimax? What would the audience
do with all that tension? Theoretically, it would have to come out
sometime. But if I kept denying them the formality of a punch line, the
audience would eventually pick their own place to laugh, essentially
out of desperation. This type of laugh seemed stronger to me, as they
would be laughing at something they chose, rather than being told exactly when to laugh.
To test my idea, I went onstage…
2
Dear Left Ear
Dear Left Ear,
Why have you betrayed me? I take good care of you, but ever since that bath five years ago, you keep on getting infected. I admit that this last time, you had me fooled. I didn’t understand why the left lymph node in my neck had swollen. You hid behind the pain of that swollen node, and I didn’t even realize that you were infected…
I could only sleep by taking the two remaining codeines I had from when I got my right wisdom teeth out. And now those codeines are gone! I even thought my left wisdom teeth might be infected, you wily trickster. But now I know that it was you all along.
I can’t believe you have betrayed me so. I have…
2
Crossing the Rubicon
About ten minutes ago, I found a pair of scissors and lopped off a few inches of hair. My logic was that I needed a haircut - and this would force me to go get a haircut by Monday morning.
Knowing me, I won’t motivate to get my hair cut by then. Since I don’t have a buzzer, I predict I will end up shaving my head at 4 AM on Sunday night.
I am an idiot.
2
Updates
- Amazingly, last night’s “hack chunks of my hair with blunt scissors to force myself to get my hair cut” strategy actually worked! This afternoon, after looking in the mirror, I realized I had to do something, so I went to Jean Louis David and got my hair cut. For the record, I did not go to Jean Louis David because I was fooled by the faux French name, it’s just the hair place that’s closest to my apartment…
There was a bit of an awkward moment when the hairdresser asked me if I wanted to keep the same hair “shape”, and I had to explain that I did want my hair to be the same shape, except where I had slashed off chunks of hair. She…